Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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