I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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