the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
