I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
