I puked a lego.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
