if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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