I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Another day, another engagement, another cat
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
