Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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