plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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