Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
