just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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