i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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