Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
