Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
