thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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