so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Boobs are out for the taking
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
