hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
