My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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