let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
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