just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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