goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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