I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
