I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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