i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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