people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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