So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
