Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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