yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
