he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
