Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
