If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
