Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
