I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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