so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
