i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
