I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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