Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
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