fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
