Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I think I sprained my soul last night
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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