that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
