If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
