The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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