You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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