is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
