you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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