Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
