After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
