The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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