I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
