It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
