Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
