is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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