I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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