His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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