All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize