Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
