smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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