i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
