Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
The Olympian is in my bed
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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