I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
