Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
