I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
