My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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